I have to admit, when I first read about this topic, my first reaction was that I had nothing to say. Whatever story I could produce would be completely and utterly pointless, because I have little to no experience in the matter of relationships. I have never been in a relationship (unless you count the 4 month fling I had in sixth grade with the class reject) and I have never been in love. However, the more I thought about it, the more I was brought back to a certain time in my life where I had a crush that consumed my life for three years.
His name was Kyle, and he was the first crush I ever had. Kyle also happened to be the class nerd. This characteristic sounds very unappealing to most people, but to me, he was perfect. I was somewhat of a nerd myself, not the type that would get a perfect score on every test, but the nerd that did everything as if it were the last thing I would ever do. I was the kid who would bring in a 5 page essay if the assignment was to write 3 paragraphs. Kyle was the same way.
I began to like him during our 8th grade class trip to Washington, D.C. At first, I was scared. I had never felt that way about a boy before; such that I would practically throw up every time he walked by. Ironically, however, Kyle was not into his “own kind”. He liked my best friend at the time, who happened to be one of the most popular girls in school, yet someone who would never give him the time of day. It killed me that he liked her, but I knew that she would never like him back, and this in itself gave me hope.
As high school came around, Kyle and I both grew out of our nerdy phases. We became good friends our first year, despite my secret love for him. However, as he became a cooler and more attractive version of himself, the other girls started to notice him as well and I panicked. As the year wore on, I began to obsess. I lost about 25 pounds that year and had horrible self-esteem, despite the fact that everyone I knew was telling me how beautiful I had become in the past year. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t pay attention to me in the way that he was the other girls. Was I too ugly? Was I too fat? Was I too tall?
Worst yet, he would continue to talk about my best friend and how attractive she was. He would ask me to set them up on dates and “talk” to her for him. I would just nod and smile, but on the inside, my heart was breaking.
This pattern continued throughout my first two years of high school. I would fantasize about going on dates with him, cuddling with him, and kissing him. As his obsession with my friend died down, my obsession with him did not. My mind would play tricks on me and I would imagine that he liked me. The more I convinced myself that he did, the more I lost myself in the idea. The new friends that I had made in High School, now my best friends in the entire world, couldn’t understand why I liked him so much. He was no longer the class Einstein, but a shallow teenager who liked his new found popularity. During my third year of High School, I remember praying that my feelings for him would end. I was sick of picking out every outfit as if he were going to scrutinize it. I was sick of putting myself in awkward social situations just because he was around. As I began to get over him I felt like a recovering alcoholic, just waiting for the time when I would relapse. I knew that if he would ever show any interest in me, I would drop everything I was doing and my hand would be intertwined with his in a second. Finally, one not so special morning around the middle of my Jr. Year, I woke up, looked in the mirror, and found myself not thinking about him.
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Since then, I have had very few, minor crushes, none lasting for more than two weeks. I know that my obsession over Kyle has taught me a valuable lesson. I don’t need to be the skinniest, prettiest, most popular girl in school to have a valuable relationship. I know that when the right guy does come along, he will like me for me, nerdy or not, and I won’t have to wonder when I will get a kiss from him.
