Why is is that when you are just getting over the headrush that comes with a breakup you either sink into a bath with a bottle of Vodka or run into the one thing you do not need …. another man.
I used to do this frequently both the vodka and the man thing, usually surfers with floppy hair doey eyes and a body to compete with patrick swaze in point break… or the spikey haired pierced eyebrowed jeans hanging around his backside showing off his boxers (usually ironed by his mum) type with a skateboard attatched to one limb and a bong in his bag.
I used to live infear of walking into there rooms seeing another big Wednesday poster and the guitar propped up in the corner with Nirvana chords scribbled on a piece of paper…. it was after one particularly normal episode with the surfer type i did two things Married a born again Christian Youth minister then went out with a hobbit.
This i achieved by the ripe old age of 23 years…… as you can imagine i was weak at the time the Vodka and the hot bath had obviously left me light headed, my friend being the good christian she is invited me away for a to a youth conference to become born again.
This was situated North of Watford, which if you know england is cold and slightly strange, i went and i admit i was shocked, no anoraks or sandles at this christian conference but young people who knew how to dress and one rather attractive young bruce lee looking type that i thought was worth the trip to the colder climate.
Faking the praying in tongues (more of a challenge than an orgasm) and obviously placing myself in the appropriate places i caught this mans attention and we got married within a year… however i had to keep up the facade of good christian wife attend church, run the youth group, wear non provactive clothing no drinking no damn anything.. until the day came when i decided it was time to visit my friends on my own….this was not a mistake, some people i have known or thought knew the good christian me thought it was an error of judgement, the devil got in or another famous quote well god did give you free will (and the ability to act).
I returned home enjoying every minute of it going to local gigs listening to music i loved, worshipping at the shrine of vladivar, when on stage came the voice of god. Sting. i knew it had to be but why was he in a crummy student bar in south east England, i turned and saw what i thought to be a mysterious looking man short in stature, hairy, boogle eyed and yes he looked like Frodo, but his voice (i’m sure not the Vodka) , entranced me so again i placed myself in his eyeline the looks, the flick of the hair the girlie things you do then detest yourself for forever, i was on a roll, next thing was a drink then exchanging numbers then a kiss then a song dedicated to me what was i to do…. next came a text from my phone to Bruce Lee, i’m not coming back….i’ve found God in another form….i always told you i’d leave you if Sting came along and i have found the next best thing…..I am still unclear why i got married…. i got divorced within a year and never went back, my relationship with the sting singing hobbit was the same as with any musician…one of my men was in love with God the other thought he was God, it was poisonous , bitter, spiteful, passionate, lustful ,addictive i gave up the Vodka and i gave up the men.There is much more to the story, my ex husband married someone in my old youth group, the hobbit is now a lead singer with a crappy 80’s band and is living with the girl he adored but could never get and i am the musician in my household and happy with my relaxed beer drinking partner.
Looking back i have learnt that the devil isn’t the root of all evil its the potato.
