Well, first off I’d like to say that I’ve had many inexplicable crushes. I have never had a ‘fling’ and don’t intend on doing so… not yet, anyway. As I’m 15 years old, I can’t say that I have been in love, but I used to believe that I came very close to it. The one crush that stood out in my mind broke up a friendship, made me extremely depressed and brought out a side of me I never knew existed- a jealous side.
I like to believe that all teenagers go through the ‘rebellious’ stage where they dress in black because it’s mysterious, get into trouble at school to show off in front of their new-found friends and listen to music that they don’t really like, but say they do in order to get new friends. I have been one of these teenagers and luckily, I’ve grown out of it.
Anyway, during my ‘rebellious’ stage I used to have a crush on a boy named Ashley Sawyer. He was tall, dark, not that handsome, and certainly not charming; but I fell for him regardless. I used to sit next to him in Science and I’d hang off every word he breathed through thin, shapeless lips. (Looking back on it now, I realise that I was a flirting novice and I must have looked like an idiot.)
Ashley was (and still is) a ‘Goth’. He likes to wear black, listen to Metal and hurt himself. When we used to share classes, all we would talk about was bands, his guitars or cool things he had seen on the internet. Me being a person to jump to conclusions, ended up believing that the more he talked to me, the more he liked me (maybe even have a crush one me). Then one sunny afternoon in June of ’05, Ashley wrote on a note and passed it to me. Heart racing and mind reeling, I slowly opened the folded piece of paper. My heart sank- “Do you think I should ask Emily out?” I had to read the note a few times to get over the initial shock. I just flung the note back at him and nodded curtly.
Emily was my best friend at the time, so I should have felt happy for her that she had a boyfriend. But I wasn’t. I would give them both glares that could turn milk sour, and they were none the wiser. I would storm off if they started to kiss or hug in front of me, I should have told Emily that I wasn’t OK with the two of them dating; but I kept it to myself. Mistake number one. The more time they spent together, the more hatred and jealousy was building up inside of me. I began to abuse Emily over the internet, posting hurtful messages on her website; not realising that she could track down who it was by my I.D address. A couple of my friends had got annoyed with what Emily was doing to me, so they joined in too. I didn’t think of it then, but now I realise that I was bullying her. Something I never thought that I would do; as I am a victim of bullying myself. Mistake number two.
As Emily had discovered that I had posted the messages on her site, she began to question why I was being so mean. I began to get depressed, writing poems and even considering self-harm. Ashley wasn’t aware of the pain I felt, I acted like everything was peachy around him, but inside my heart felt like it was breaking. It does seem a little extreme as I was only 13 at the time, but I had liked Ashley for a while, and I was sore with heartache. Then I decided to e-mail Emily my thoughts. I think I still have her reply in my inbox. I stated that I couldn’t go on being friends with her when she was dating the boy i ‘loved’; I was not OK with them being a couple, even though she previously asked me whether I was OK with the two hooking up and I (stupidly) replied ‘yes’. That was mistake number three. Now to see if I have the reply to that e-mail…OK I must have deleted it; but the e-mail basically said: “I knew something was wrong, I’m sorry our friendship had to end like this, but I did ask you whether you were fine with it and you told me you was; so it’s your fault really” All right, it wasn’t exactly like that, but she did make it seem like it was my fault. Then the waterworks started to come. I replied to her saying that I didn’t want to break our friendship, I was only saying that so that she would dump Ashley. Which she never did. Even for a friend; her best friend.
At school things were tense; we avoided each other for a while. But it came to the point where a group of friends and I had to sit Emily down and talk to her. In a matter of weeks she dumped Ashley and realised the error of her ways: she felt so guilty that she picked a boy over her friend. This pleased me, mostly because I had my best friend back; but i have to admit, a small part of me wanted Ashley to myself.
Emily and I are close friends now, but I doubt we can be as close as we were back then. Ashley is a good friend of mine and I no longer have any feelings for him. I learnt that I need to speak up when something is bothering me, never let a boy come before any friend, to not let my anger build up and certainly not to get that upset over a man ever again.
