i’m sitting in a corner at an underground rave, the first time i see her, rolling hard on ecstasy. she knows my friends, greets them warmly as i watch. without her knowing, of course. i can do nothing more. not so much because of my chemical, but because, corny as it sounds, she takes my breath away.
beautiful, dark hair, dark, kind eyes, gorgeous smile.
i so want to get up, introduce myself. but my fear and other things held me back. fear? of her, of me not being good enough, of another curious straight girl. other things? dawna, the girl that i’m seeing.
six a.m. i’m sitting on dawna’s couch, chain smoking and kicking myself for being such a chickenshit, when SHE walks in. i feel my ears get hot, my face flush. if i don’t say anything now, i know i never will. i let her settle in, say her hellos, take a deep breath and,“hey.”
“hey.”
i blush.
“i’m Amanda. i’m a friend of dawna’s.”
she smiles at me. gives me a hug. i am overwhelmed by how good she feels. i don’t know what to say.
“i gotta run out to my car real fast.”“’kay.”and when i came back in she was gone.another night out. another early morning after party. i’m tired. i don’t want to be there, but dawna insists. i walk in, drained. when i see HER. laying underneath the kitchen table, talking with my friend, eric. i walk over, look at them under the glass table-top. her beautiful smile welcoming me. we kiss for the first time that morning, amongst our friends, under the table.“you know, if dawna hadn’t snatched you up, i would have.”
i am immediately disappointed.
i can’t remember her leaving. maybe because i didn’t want her to.
sometimes when i call her she tells me she’ll have to call me back when the game is over. i love this about her. she tells me she’s started working her way through the beats. this is when i know i’m in love.
she invites me to dinner. i drive out to riverside, where she lives with her mormon parents. we talk over sushi and she tells me her dreams. there is more to this party girl than i could have imagined.
i drive her home. park the car outside of her house. she invites me in. to spend the night. i borrow a tee-shirt and boxer shorts. i don’t change in front of her, but in the bathroom. i open her bedroom door, smile at her, already tucked in. she smiles back. i know this is enough. just being with her. we whisper back and forth. she asks me about my ex-girlfriends, when i came out. i ask her about her first boyfriend, when she lost her virginity, how they treated her.
she falls asleep in my arms as the sun comes up.i want to love her like no one has. to show her something real and beautiful. but, i know this can never be. the depth that i see betrays the fact that she is a curious straight girl and nothing more. she will never be mine. there will always be that something that she holds back, that she keeps to herself, keeps from me.
but i give her my heart anyway.
