He was my teacher this past August-December and doesn’t teach at my school anymore. He’s now at an admissions office for a college near where I live. Now that he’s not my teacher anymore, we’re actually pretty good friends. It’s not in a weird way like it probably sounds. He came to my last dance performance and we’ve gone to lunch a couple of times but there’s no way getting around the fact that I’m basically infatuated with the guy.

Oh, and the other factor is, I think he might be gay. Yeah. That one’s happened to me before. I’m actually really attracted to gay guys. After someone told me that he might be gay, I started to see it a little. But, honestly, I think he is bisexual, which is fine by me. It would obviously be illegal if he happened to like me as well and we dated, so it’s not going to happen. I hope I get over this soon so I don’t go crazy one day and tell him. Cut to ending our friendship.

Well, that’s part of my creepy love story. haha!

I am an out gay man. I live in NYC. I am not into the bar scene or frequent Chelsea or the West Village. I work in a job where I deal with the general public yet would be frowned upon if I actually met someone from the general public to date. Hence I don’t go out much on dates. So I have to rely on my overactive imagination to get me through. Well, one day (or rather, many many days) of working at the same place can get to a person so it was a big deal to walk into the office one day and saw Brian. Brian did not fit into your cookie-cutter corporate office mold. He was an artist (found this out later, obviously) with the requisite tattoos, piercings and inkings, the heavy beard growth, the sexy (did you plan it) buzzcut and the goatee. He was working the phones (and working them quite well or was that just my heady interpretation?). I quickly turned to one of my Managers and said, “Who is this?”, got my introduction and I was on my way to falling very hard for a — drumroll, please but no surprise here — STRAIGHT MAN!

Well, that didn’t stop me. Brian was good at what he did (totally objective) and quickly worked his way up the ranks from hourly employee to temporary full-time employee to Supervisor to Manager, in the course of about 2 years. The more I knew about Brian, the more I fell in love with him. Okay, so he had a girlfriend (who I had not met so she was not real to me) but when he moved to Chelsea with her and started walking his pitbull down 8th Avenue I began to watch him for his reactions to his new surroundings. Like a typical straight man who is liberal, he wasn’t offended by the guys checking him out or trying to pick him up (no one tried to pick up his girlfriend making her slide down the list farther into obscurity) but he realized what it was like for a girl to get oogled by guys.

Well, I would do silly little things for Brian like make elaborate mixed tapes for his birthday, take him out to lunch to discuss “business” and pretty much acted like I was dating him. I don’t know if he ever had a clue that I was so in love with the idea of being in love with him and having him as my boyfriend (as this would clearly never happen) but when we both left our jobs I didn’t hear from him for a span of about 2 years. I recently got a nice “hey, how you’ doin’?” e-mail from him complete with attached pictures of his girlfriend (now his wife) and baby boy.

Well only if he or she is cute. And he has a nice ass.

Well lets start with this school year that past. Well our grade level got a new vice principal and OMG he was hot!!!! Tall, tan, tight ass, early 30’s, into super heroes, buff chest, the smell of his cologne as he walks by, his smile, great sense of style, the way he gives me chills when ever I see him. Anyways all the girls were in love with him and I when say in love I mean in love. He got stocked the cheerleaders. During our lunch hour my friends and I would walk over to him and star a conversation. We’d laugh and laugh and the way he stared got me weak in the knees. My good friend Alex agreed with me . Alex is a guy and yes his gay. When he voice would come over the speakers at the end of the day I would just be in aw. I would make up the most lamest excuses to got to his office. And by the time I knew it everyone was suspicious even Alex. And nothing was going on trust me. And the months went by so fast that by the time I knew it it was 2 months till school was over. So we slacked off at school. Alex and 2 more of our friends including me decided to got to the movies on Saturday. I mean where else could we be you know Texas weather really hot just like him. Well anyways we went to see Night At The Museum. Love that movies after wards we went to go eat. We laughed and talked for like 2 hours then we called it a day. So my friend and I went back to the movie theater. That where her parent were going to pick us up. We were waiting for like 20 minutes. We were so bored that we started talking about the vice principal. When all of a sudden what do we see. His truck parking in the theater and he wasn’t alone. Hummmmmm wonder who that is with him. Well we hid and waited to see who was with him. Well I was crushed he got off his truck holding hands with another ……….MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well that did it for me I was stunned. We followed him in the theater and they were kissing. I gasped so loud that he heard and turned luckily there was a couple in front of us. I got home a still couldn’t believe it. I was crying my eyes out. When we got back to school I told Alex and he said well Kimmi you always get the gay ones first me know him. Well I hope you guys had a laugh with this crushing moment for me and half the school. Never again will I fall for another teacher. Especially like him tall and tan with a nice ass and a better fashion sense than me.

He would come to my door bearing gifts of food while I was studying. How did he know that I was even awake at 1 a.m.? He would bring flowers for no particular reason. How did he get to be so romantic and classy?

He would pick me up for formal occasions looking perfectly dreamy in his tuxedo. One time he drove a corvette, and I was wearing a short & sassy dress. One time he hired a limo, and I was in a full-length ball gown with layers of tulle underneath. How did he know to match the car with the dress?

He would take me out for a fancy dinner and not expect anything in return. He didn’t try to take advantage of me, or even really kiss me. And that’s when I would begin to wonder….

He really was almost perfect. Except he was not very interesting, and not very funny, and not very smart. He was not very much of anything beyond the (very handsome) facade. Except so very kind and way too considerate for a normal college guy. Each summer we would part, and in the fall I would return to campus waiting to see how summer might have changed him. Alas, he was still dreamy, classy, overly considerate, and boring.

It was painful to let him go.

First crush, my 2nd grade teacher – she wrote a play specifically for me to star in because I was the tallest girl (make that kid) in school. I was smitten until “graduation” into middle school, where, to my mother’s appreciation, I had a crush on the sweet, chubby, science geek who sat next to me in Earth Science.

Then there was celebrity, celebrity, gay, gay, gay and Nathan Lane (humor me), who told me he liked my pants one night after I passed him on the street.

One of the biggest crushes I’ve had involved a fairly well known musician that I had never heard of before my friend dragged me to a concert. I was overwhelmed with my own sexuality when I arrived at the predominantly lesbian concert. I kept having all of these feelings welling up inside of me. I have always had crushes on women and men, but had only dated men at this point. Then, I was in such a wonderful environment, with a bunch of beautiful ladies, and I lost it. I was running to the bathroom when this musician stopped me and asked if I was ok. I had no idea who she was, but there was almost a glowing light around her – she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I can’t even remember if I had said anything to her, but I do remember puking my guts out for the rest of the concert because I realized I was indeed attracted to women and, coming from the South, I was not looking forward to telling my family. Later that evening when I was able to rejoin my friend in the audience, I realized…crap…my incredibly beautiful woman is onstage, singing to hundreds of admirers. And I had missed most of it. I had to see her close-up, so I got tickets to the next show, and it was perfect. She was beautiful. During that next show I met another girl, who wasn’t famous and was single. She happened to work with the aforementioned musician, and during our courting, I actually met this beautiful crush face to face once more. I got nervous. Really, really nervous. I knew I would meet her, I knew it was coming. What do you say to someone you have such a crush on who hears that stuff all the time? It’s not like we would ever be together, plus I was falling in love with someone else. So there she was. Introductions made. Hands shook. Now’s my chance to say something brilliant…so here goes…

“Did you see any of those strippers next door? They look like they’re about 12.” Stop talking, stop talking, stop talking…

She actually replied with, “Yeah… I have to go do a thing.”

Our interactions got a tad better with time. I at least stopped talking about strippers, though I did almost hit her in the head with a cue ball once. The other girl, the single, non-famous one, and I have been together ever since – going on 10 years. She lets me have my little crushes because she knows what it’ll be like if I ever open my mouth.

beautiful, dark hair, dark, kind eyes, gorgeous smile.

i so want to get up, introduce myself. but my fear and other things held me back. fear? of her, of me not being good enough, of another curious straight girl. other things? dawna, the girl that i’m seeing.

six a.m. i’m sitting on dawna’s couch, chain smoking and kicking myself for being such a chickenshit, when SHE walks in. i feel my ears get hot, my face flush. if i don’t say anything now, i know i never will. i let her settle in, say her hellos, take a deep breath and,“hey.”

“hey.”

i blush.

“i’m Amanda. i’m a friend of dawna’s.”

she smiles at me. gives me a hug. i am overwhelmed by how good she feels. i don’t know what to say.

“i gotta run out to my car real fast.”“’kay.”and when i came back in she was gone.another night out. another early morning after party. i’m tired. i don’t want to be there, but dawna insists. i walk in, drained. when i see HER. laying underneath the kitchen table, talking with my friend, eric. i walk over, look at them under the glass table-top. her beautiful smile welcoming me. we kiss for the first time that morning, amongst our friends, under the table.“you know, if dawna hadn’t snatched you up, i would have.”

i am immediately disappointed.

i can’t remember her leaving. maybe because i didn’t want her to.

sometimes when i call her she tells me she’ll have to call me back when the game is over. i love this about her. she tells me she’s started working her way through the beats. this is when i know i’m in love.

she invites me to dinner. i drive out to riverside, where she lives with her mormon parents. we talk over sushi and she tells me her dreams. there is more to this party girl than i could have imagined.

i drive her home. park the car outside of her house. she invites me in. to spend the night. i borrow a tee-shirt and boxer shorts. i don’t change in front of her, but in the bathroom. i open her bedroom door, smile at her, already tucked in. she smiles back. i know this is enough. just being with her. we whisper back and forth. she asks me about my ex-girlfriends, when i came out. i ask her about her first boyfriend, when she lost her virginity, how they treated her.

she falls asleep in my arms as the sun comes up.i want to love her like no one has. to show her something real and beautiful. but, i know this can never be. the depth that i see betrays the fact that she is a curious straight girl and nothing more. she will never be mine. there will always be that something that she holds back, that she keeps to herself, keeps from me.

but i give her my heart anyway.

By my nineteenth birthday, I’d finally gotten up the nerve to leave him but not before I had given birth to our child. I once again found myself in familiar territory. I was a lesbian again. Gay? Straight? Your guess is as good as mine. All I know is that he was the exception.

And it would not be such a big deal if my friend was a guy…but my friend was a girl!!

It totally confused me…i mean how could i fall in love with a girl??Im suposed to be falling in love with a guy en get married and start a family.

Well from that moment on it was hell on earth for me.Not only i realized i was a lesbian and had to struggle with my sexuality…i also was in love with my best en dearest friend.

We spent every day togheter so it was very difficult for me.

Should i tell her or not. That was the question that sat in my head every day.

But i could’t ..i was too scared…scared of losing my friendship. cause that was more importent to me then my my feelings towards her.

I never said a word about my feelings and about me being a lesbian.

I did not say it to anyone…not my mother not my brother not to my other friends.

I just kept inside me..trying to forget about it hoping that it may go away.

But ofcourse i did’nt. Everything just got worse…whenever we would go out and party…guys would come up to us …you know. I would just blew em off or when i had a little too much to drink i would kiss a guy. Just to not blow my cover.

But everytime i saw her with a guy it felt like my heart was ripped out…the hurt was too much and i got jealous. Why him and not me.

well to faster up this story…it went on like that for 3 years orso.

Then came the moment that changed it all….no she didnt came out and told me she was in love with me and we lived happily ever after.

No…she got in a relationship with my brother!!

Well after a lot of tears en hurt later…i had to tell everybody i was a lesbian en was in love with her.I did not wanted to lose my brother or my friendship with her over this.

So i came out and told everybody what was going on.

And it all fell into place…i could finally be myself and enjoy life…

My fear of coming out was unesesery and the crush i had slowly went away…it still was difficult but i was able to talk about it.

There is more to tell but that would take too long….man i could write a book about it haha.

How are things now?…well she and my brother are now togheter for 3 years…they bougt a house and are doing great.

and as for me…well i am over that crush and just enjoying my life. We are still friends and after a long and hard and rocky road, we now laugh and joke about it.