This is the story of all of them. All inexplicable.
Henry McWilliams, fourth grade. Indianapolis. The only other kid in my class who voted for Mondale in our fake election. Doesn’t notice me, doesn’t know.
Fifth grade, Brian Bond. He runs away from school one day, taking off like a spooked animal, sprinting across the rolling expanse of grass between the school and the neigh-borhood behind it. We all gather at the window to watch him go. I love him instantly. This is the beginning of a lifelong trend. We go together for a few weeks. He breaks up with me in a note.
Steve Smith. Sixth grade. Fifteen years later, I will find out he’s gay. Also a trend. Kissed at dance, broke up by note.
Steve Allred. Lived in my neighborhood. Kissed in a game of spin the bottle. Also gay.
Some guy named Randy. Sits by me in Science class. During track practice, I lay on the high jump mat and watch him run.
Freshman year. Kelsey Hammond. I like him. He likes my sister. Trend number three. Now an evangelical minister in Oklahoma.
Sophomore year. Paul Hart. Gay, gay, gay.
Sophomore year. Andy Tallman. Prolonged flirtation interrupted by abrupt announcement by parents that we are moving to California. We do not even kiss before I leave. For the next two years, will write extremely long letters to each other, talk by phone. During a visit to Indianapolis, we make out on a couch for an hour. I have no idea how to do anything else, in spite of repeatedly implying to him that I am quite sexually accomplished. Two years later, I will visit him at college. Nothing will happen because he has already started dating the woman he’s going to marry.
Freshman year of college. James Cho. Lose virginity.
Sophomore year. James.
Junior year. Travel abroad. Return home. James has graduated and moved to Korea.
Start sleeping with two guys, both named Dan. This makes things easier and harder, all at once.
Senior year. Steal friend’s boyfriend. Move in together over the summer. At the end of summer, he moves to China. I move to San Francisco, sleep with strangers.
Make out with Fern Applebaum, my first and only girl.
Age 23, move back to Los Angeles. Take up briefly with one of the Dans again. He is a total douche.
Wait, back one step. Between San Francisco and Los Angeles, go on trip to Vancouver with James. In spite of having worshipped the ground he walked on for so long, am starting to feel like he is a disaster.
In Los Angeles, James keeps calling. He’s in medical school now in Ohio. He won’t finish.
Age 24. Still in Los Angeles. I meet my future husband. I like him immediately, but we won’t start dating for three more years.
Instead, I date a guy from a creative writing class. Then, I start dating Damon.
Over the next year and a half, he will cheat on me over and over again. Even after I find out, it will take me three months to break up with him.
That summer, I meet a nice guy. We have sex in a tent in the mountains. Then, James resurfaces. We go out to dinner, then back to my apartment so I can practice for an audition. Nothing happens. As he’s leaving he tries to kiss me. When I stop him, he says, “You know, I always liked you.” I think that’s hilarious.
I break up with the nice guy, and then when I’m out for drinks with my friend Tim, we make out. This is my future husband.
Three years later we get married in Las Vegas.
He isn’t gay, and I don’t think he likes my sister.
Image by lou murphy via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.
